I am so angry with myself. I am so pissed at God. Why me? Why? What's your problem??? Why do you have to fool me this way? Its not as if everything was smooth sailing lately. I just couldn't stop blaming myself. And Bloody hell, why now? Why do this to me when things matter to me most?

If there is anything left for me to do now, it's to fuck my life. Why? Why was I born with this disability? I was I born with this flaw in me. I am nice to everyone, at least I think I am. Again, could it be ego? If it is, then I will just take my own life. Woohoo... I am yet again another statistic for Malaysian's who have ever thought of committing suicide. I so not contented. I feel that it is so FUCKING not worth it. Argh!!!!!

I will never ever forgive myself. But Hell I swear, I really thought I saw another word. I really do. Why prank me??? Going through life's hardest lesson... it will take time before I heal.

I LOVE AMERICAN IDOL!!!

Geez... I am crazy, hahaha... Sigh, exam is just a few more days and I am here shouting "I LOVE AMERICAN IDOL". Hmm... AI is very very exciting and interesting this year. TOP13, what the hell? Hahaha...

Hmm... I've got to thank American Idol contestant, Lil' Rounds for if it's not for her, I wouldn't know of this song. Be Without You by Mary J. Blige. This is the song of the week. I just can't stop repeating the song through winamp. Haha. This lyrics of this song is to be viewed with a positive mind.

Mary J. Blige - Be Without You (Live 2007 Grammy's)


Mary J. Blige - Be Without You (with lyrics)

Hmm... weird feeling, weird emotion clouding the atmosphere. How difficult it is for me to put in words and explain it to you guys, hell I think there are no words to describe this weird emotion. At last, all my assignments and presentations are over. The semester is coming to an end. Its amazing how time flies... day after day, months after months... years after years. Its going to be tough for me, but I think I will survive. I have finally understand and that is all thanks to watching 2 great movies recently, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and The Notebook. Life, as how we see it, is measured in moments and not in hours or minutes.

People come and go but only few leaves an impact in our lives. Joining KDU on March 26 2007, I came in a stranger but who'd have ever imagine that I will leave this college with a lot of friends. Who'd have imagine that an enemy would be one of my best friend now? Who'd have imagine that her friend would end up as someone special in my life? You'll never know what life throws at you. They are surprises, God's gift to you.

I think there's nothing much I want to add in here. It's common and known to all that every meeting ends with some parting. Before any of my friends from Jan 07 semester leave, I have to apologize to you guys if I had offended any of you at any time. I don't think I meant to say those words or do those things.

Ending this post with a message to someone. I've kept my heart in a chest. The key to open the chest is with you. You can unlock the chest at any time, or you can ignore it. It is just another way of saying that I will wait for you. Why am I saying it now? I think we always appreaciate and realize the value when we are in the verge of losing something or someone. It is my fault at the beginning, it is still mine at the end. I wish to fix it. I hope time and fate allow me to fix it. Until that day comes, CK who is living his not so extraordinary life... shall wait patiently but hopefully not foolishly for her...

*praying hard*

First and foremost, I need help. I NEED HELP. Does anyone know where I can get a front tyre for my motorcycle? Haiya, I know it's in the motorcycle sparepart shop la. Problem is, sigh... they don't sell the size that I want and they are not willing to special order it for me. Stupid shop. Why can't they just order it for me? Anyway, the size that I need, 110/80-17 with a load rating of 57 or above and speed rating of H and above. Anyone... please help me find this tyre. I seriously need this. 110/70 just wouldn't do it, the load rating is just too low... about 40+ pounds off the standards. Any brand will do (except Duro, Cheng Sin, Kenda), preferably Maxxis M6002, Dunlop GT501, Bridgestone BT39.

Second, I don't know why I feel so worn out lately. Hmm... the sleeping disorder is long gone. I sleep well everynight, 8 hours a day but I still feel tired. Is stress having an effect on me? Well, I think I was being rather honest when I said that I have a 65-70% of stress in life. Money, money and money. Work, work and work. Argh... luckily I am able to handle stress well or I would have committed suicide long time ago. Hahaha... not really la... just joking.

Third, I wonder why is everyone so sad. Hmm... I know the semester is going to over soon, (one more week) and I know a lot of people are leaving but why should we be sad? Well, for me... my sad days are all over(could be true, could be a lie). I know certain memories are just too sweet, but come on, your friends gotta live their lives too. We should happy for them. For some people, stop being sad la, considering that you get to go to Australia for your degree. You eff-ing worry too much about your relatives who is going to be there. Do you wanna know what I think, if one has a determination... nothing can stop him/her. If you wanna rebel and have fun, I believe nothing can stop you. THEY ARE NOT GONNA TORTURE OR KILL YOU IF YOU DO. LOL.

Lastly, the song of the week to end this post. I know this is a rather sad song. But be positive.

I translated the lyrics for those banana's like me. Well, it cost me 15 or so minutes with the help of an online translation dictionary. Hehehe...

Frequently blame myself for initially I shouldn’t have
Frequently regret for I didn’t make you stay behind
What was the reason, we’re obviously in love
But finally we still have to be separated
Was it that we always kept to ourselves?

X2
Who’d have imagined meeting you again in a crowd?
Fate was determined as such, leaving us with no choice
These couple years passed on moderately
It was as if there was a person missing
But I gradually understand
That you are still my concern

How much love can start over?
How many people are willing to wait?
We return only when we appreciate
But not knowing that love, whether it still exist
How much love can start over?
How many people is worth waiting?
When love already vicissitudes
I’m not sure if I still have the courage to love

I had a presentation today. It's for the subject of Data and Computer Communication. Hmm... it went on pretty well; I mean my group presented quite well. Anyway, I think I owe my group members an apology for being a control and power freak... taking control of the presentation most of the time. Sorry. Guess I was too much, am always pursuing perfection.

I submit to my defeat. My group presented quite well but it was not the best. There was another group who did better than us but I think I am satisfied and contented with our achievement. Hmm... some people was posing a lot of questions to me, I admit I was panic but I managed to conceal it. Hehehe... But I respect her. She was taking charge of her group, leading them pretty well... a girl full of caliber I should say.

Fate. Hahaha... that is why they say, "mess with the best, die like the rest". I did not show any interest on any of the presentation presented today except one. I did not pose any question to any group except one. Hmm... why that one group? Mix with the wrong person, and sad to say you are going to be affected as well. To the last group, to 4 ladies... no hard feelings but I wasn't going against you guys. Its just one girl there. Hmm... Hahahaha... She did nothing, she didn't step on my tail, she just... haiya, she deserves it. Mind you, I can be silent as a lamb in a presentation, but once I open up my mouth and start posing questions, I will make sure that you are unable to answer it. Full stop.

2 more weeks before the end of a semester and what a semester it is. Had lots of fun, learned lots of things,... definitely lots of conflicts... but nothing beats the joy of doing well for the subjects. I hope I am able to maintain my academic performance... need to achieve a 4.0 this sem. I must and I will... wish me luck

Keri Hilson's song by the title of "Energy" tops my list for this week. This is the song for the week. Enjoy.

CK, the one who has it all but nothing at all. Judging by my first line, you'd probably guess it out that this is going to be yet another emo post by CK. Well, you guessed right. To be honest, I shouldn't be at home, online and blogging now. I was suppose to be out with a group of my friends. The initial plan was to get ourselves a bottle of liquor and probably get drunk before midnight. LOL. Anyway, I think you'd know by now that I didn't follow them. I confess, I wanted to go and I actually drove to college(how often do I drive), and I actually brought along my chillbox inside the trunk but a split second was all it took for me to change my mind.

So what was it that actually change my mind? Why did I change my mind? I don't think I would want to answer the questions here. All I can say is, I may "seem" happy at times, but I am definitely not near happy at all. Why did I laughed and joked about that matter? You'd probably mistaken me and thought that I feel that it was fun. Well, it's not fun to me. I thought that it would have created at least the slightest provocation but sad to say, I am wrong yet again. You were neutral maybe positive and happy. Hmm... I am out of words, I don't know what to say anymore.

CK, the one who has it all yet none to share with. Do you know what I feel? Well, the best things in life are free and the best things in life are definitely meant to be shared. I mean come on, you can't live a life being so self-centred and stingy. Back to me. I have a house to stay in, I have a car to drive, I have 3 motorcycles and I am definitely not in debt. I have sufficient cash to sustain my expenses, sufficient attention from my family members and definitely all the unnecessary attention I get from college. Wait. Something is not right. Something is missing from this ideal, close to perfect picture. What is it that I don't have? What is missing from my life? Geez... I am a very complicated guy. Blogging about something so deep, something a typical 20 years old teenager would never understand or thought of. Guess what, I am a weirdo.

Sigh, sigh, sigh... that is what I can do. I showed my interest, I place forward my intention... and what is the last thing that I would expect from you is a cool treatment. Whoa... is there a need? I have done nothing wrong okay. It's starting to get really really weird. Anyhow, I choose to ignore it. Typical CK, the great pretender... did anything happened? NO. If your response is negative, I would understand and respect you. No worries here. But seriously, one question that I don't even have the answer to. How sure are you things wouldn't work out? I am not sure myself that things will work out. God knows...

Sorry to say this to someone.
If what my friend told me is true,
If what we guessed prove to be genuine,
Then sorry is all I can say to you.
I don't know what is it that you see in me but whatever it is,
I do hope that the other two sees it.
If there's one whom I am so crazy about, its the other.
If there's one whom I so not over with, its another.
I am not perfect.
I fail to see that...
I may be choosing, but so are others.
I may make people as options but me myself is an option.
If there is one advice that I could still remember from one of my true friends...

"DON'T PRIORITIZE THOSE WHO TREATS YOU AS AN OPTION"